Iron Man + Suck = G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

So Meghan and I were driven out of our home this weekend by a rowdy duo of asshats watching football, drinking wild turkey and whooping and yelling at the players because, well, if a couple of fat assholes can't dictate how a football game is played then who should?!?!

But I digress...

In our desperate clawing at the front door to get away we decided to go see G.I. Joe: The rise of Cobra. I have to admit I feel that I got what I paid for. Of course, we went at the end of it's theater life cycle on off peak hours so we paid very little all things considered. Once the credits rolled, though, I felt like I had just been duped into watching the prequel to a movie that has yet to be released.

!!! WARNING !!! SPOILERS AHEAD !!!

Now, I watched the cartoon as a kid, but it was one of those shows that you watch because you were waiting for something else to come on. In this case it was probably He-Man or Transformers, but the point is that I was familiar with the series, but not incredibly so. I could only pick out a handful of characters I could recall and most of them were Cobra (the bad guys). On top of that, if there was any back story it was likely lost on me. As a kid all I cared about was explosions and round house kicks to the face - too bad Chuck Norris didn't catch on 'till I was older!

The movie starts off with a scene very reminiscent of a certain Leonadro Dicaprio movie where a dirty man in a dungeon is getting permanently fitted with an orange-hot iron mask. Now I know what you're thinking, this is either Cobra Commander or Destro. Sorry, he's neither. In fact, this guy's only purpose is to set up the legacy of Destro so the movie's Destro can one day not don the same mask. Yeah, I know, cinematic genius. /sarcasm off

Flash forward to a scene directly out of Iron Man where the movie's Obadiah Stain is briefing the military on his new weaponized nanites that can chew through anything and have a kill switch unique to each warhead. And we're off!

The movie then takes us through an incredibly redundant series of fight scenes and explosive sequences that, by mid movie, had me bored to tears. This was made worse by the fact that I really didn't care for, nor even like any of the protagonists. They all seemed too nice and squeaky clean to me - blissfully flawless. This is not lost on me, I understand they want to glorify this supersoldier armed forces crap, but throughout most of the movie the Joes (as they call themselves in the movie) never really seem to be in trouble.

There's a chase scene where the Joes don Iron Man-esque power suits and chase down the Baroness and the evil ninja guy. The suits make them pretty much indestructible as the villains fire pulse cannons, rockets and a hail of gunfire at the Joes to slow them down and the worst that happens is they fall down, dust themselves off and jump right back into the chase.

I mean, come on now... how do you expect me to give a crap about what's going to happen if the good guys are indestructible!?

So the movie goes on like that for quite a while. Explosions, fight scenes and then the ultimate showdown at the Cobra base beneath the polar ice where, believe it or not, that weapons dealer from earlier turns out to be evil. I bet you'd never see that coming....

So the Joes duke it out with Cobra's nanite enhanced super soldiers - who don't seem to have their brains enhanced with the nanites at all - and Joseph gordon Levitt finally shows his face. Well, what's left of his face. See, it just so happens that Duke, the soldier who is the main focus for the movie, was involved with the Baroness before the movie started and lost track of her some years prior. Joseph Gordon Levitt's character is the Baroness' brother, and was nearly killed in Iraq on assignment with Duke.

Left for dead, Joseph gordon Levitt turned to mad science and teamed up with the arms dealer to take over the world. And as you may or may not know, Joseph Gordon Levitt plays Cobra Commander. That's right, the kid from 3rd rock from the sun... is Cobra Commander. But Cobra commander doesn't actually take up his title until the last 5 minutes of the movie when the Cobra base is exploding and he's making his escape.

During their flight, the arms dealer was roasted by Duke and most of his skin was burned off. Safe on his own personal sub, Cobra commander decides to inject the arms dealer with a dose of nanites he developed especially for this situation - because specialized armed forces assault and destroy his sub-arctic base and burn the flesh off his buddy every day, right? The nanites coat his face in a metallic looking substance as Cobra dons the helmet of the commander and he dubs the arms dealer 'Destro'.

Payoff! Finally! We have liftoff folks the real movie can sta-

Then Duke shows up and they lock Cobra Commander and Destro up in their own prison cells in Joe headquarters 5 seconds later. No, I'm not kidding. That's how the last 3 minutes or so of the movie actually play out.

So my overall review... worth watching, but save your money for the sequel.